PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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