I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
