I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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