census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
