I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
