Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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