ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
