I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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