its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize