i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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