Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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