I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
