....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
