well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize