i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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