I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize
