it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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