My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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