Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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