my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
