if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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