Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
