Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
