I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize