I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
