Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
