It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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