Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
