the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
