im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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