omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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