Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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