Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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