I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
