I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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