I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
