im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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