I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My vagina is officially offended.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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