She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
