Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
