I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
