It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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