so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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