1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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