I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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