I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
