How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
