one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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