whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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