saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
