Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
