Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
