I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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