Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
you made out with another girl for some wings
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
