weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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