at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
