i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
