I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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