Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
