Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
