I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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